Thanks in part to that ubiquitous Oregon Lottery ad, the Ugly Christmas Sweater season started early. We’ve had people calling Red Light about ugly Christmas sweaters since early November!

Fortunately, we’ve been buying them all year…we have hundreds saved up, and they’re all totally tacky.

But we don’t just buy every Christmas sweater that is offered to us, then turn around and call it an ugly Christmas Sweater. Each ugly Christmas sweater we have for sale was hand-picked for awfulness. Our staff takes tacky seriously, so we’re picking the creme de la creme of holiday-themed knitwear horrors. Here are some of the things we are look for:

1. Inappropriately dressed Santas.

Santa should be jolly and joyful. He may even sometimes come across as creepy. But he is never rock ‘n’ roll. Thus, Santa should never wear leopard or zebra-print. When you find a sweater with an inappropriately “edgy” Santa (or snowman or penguin for that matter), you’ve found a keeper.

2. Disjointed holiday iconography.

When a sweater is blocked off into various scenes and the only continuous theme is Christmas, it can transcend into ugly Christmas sweater territory. The colors are bright, the images many and the overall effect is a bit like looking at a strobe light. You get dizzy, disoriented…and it’s even worse if the sweater has sparkles!

3. Sewn-on accoutrements that jingle, wiggle or light up.

Sweaters that have bells, bobbles or anything that moves, makes noise or lights up sewn onto them are highly desirable. These kinds of “add ons” take a nice, holiday cardigan to the next level – they announce your presence and let everyone know that you are ready to party! In short, they instantly create a sweater that cannot be ignored (which is the whole point of the Ugly Christmas Sweater).

4. Scary animals.

Some of the best ugly Christmas sweaters feature creepy, human-like animals, most often penguins, bears or kitties. Animals acting like deliriously happy ice-skaters are always unsettling, and if the animals on your sweater also happen to be vaguely menacing or slightly misshapen, well…bonus points!

5. Psychedelic patterns.

Think bad acid trip. If your sweater can loosely be described as “busy,” there’s a good chance you have a true Ugly Christmas Sweater. Knitwear with vaguely Nordic patterns, overcome with Christmas iconography rendered in bright primary colors is quickly overwhelming. It’s hard to go wrong with sweaters like these, especially when they include over-simplified, blob-like Santa faces.

6. Unintentionally perverted.

Though the unintentionally perverted subcategory of Ugly Christmas Sweaters is not as prevalent as some of the others we’ve mentioned, it’s no less tacky. Reindeer dancing a little too close, wreathes awkwardly placed…suggestive holiday sweaters are just not right.

7. Messages to Santa (or other mall shoppers).

The diary-like quality of sweaters and sweatshirts emblazoned with messages to Santa, or sweeties, or just other mall shoppers make this category an instant classic. (Of course, the message must be holiday-themed but trust us, there really are tons of these Dear Santa-type sweatshirts.) Nothing says “Happy Holidays!” like asking for gifts via a disgruntled message Velvasheened across your chest!

In the spirit of holiday giving, we’ve listed 7 Christmas sweater horrors rather than just the 5 promised in our post title – tra la! The truth is, there are lots of ways holiday sweaters can qualify as Ugly Christmas Sweaters…And in our next post, we’ll tell you how you can spruce up your Ugly Christmas Sweater and take it to new heights of tackiness with a little DIY magic!